38 Weeks, 3 days - 3 DAYS LEFT!!!!

This is my last blog post until the big day! I can't believe how fast the whole pregnancy has gone by. It seemed to drag, but at the same time speed by. My last appointment with my Dr. he scheduled me to be admitted into the hospital Sunday at 3 pm to be induced since the baby is rather large, and there's concern about him getting too big to come on his own. So here we are, three days away and I'm starting to feel strange things.

First and foremost - I don't want to share. Selfish I know. I don't want to share with my husband, my mom, my in-laws, anyone. I want this baby all to myself. I've had him for 9 months exclusively and I am just not ready to give that up. I'm sure that'll change at 3 am when he needs a change and/or feeding, but for now, he's mine and I don't want anyone to play with him. 

Secondly - Am I ready for this? I am so unprepared! 

and Finally - What am I supposed to do with him while he's here? I've never really actually been around a newborn. Usually most babies I come into contact with are a few months old. This one is mine, and brand new, and he scares the crap out of me. 

I always figured, with all my fertility "issues" that I would end up adopting. And I wanted to adopt a toddler, the fun age. Babies are intimidating.  Last night the butterflies started. I was lying there, listening to Phil snore, feeling Nicholas kick a little and started feeling nervous and ready to cry. I am a basket case!

We've been working on the final touches of babydom. Washing his clothes, picking out coming home outfits, cleaning bedding and putting the crib spring in upside down (my fault I thought it was sitting too low without the mattress). The more I look around the more I think, "There's so much to do!" however my back and giant, swollen feet are not allowing any amnesty. It'll be nice to have my body back as my own. To be able to sleep on my stomach and back and get off the couch easily, roll over with ease. Just be able to be a mobile person. I'm not looking forward to having to lose all the weight I've gained. I feel gross and the scale just depresses me. I'm hoping I can lose it quickly and safely, although I have been advised no dieting while breastfeeding. Stupid rule. But healthy for the little guy. All I know is no potatoes, sweets or sodas after the little man gets here. Mama can't afford another new wardrobe!

3 Days till the light at the end of the tunnel. Next stop: The Parenthood Chronicles - The First Year! 

37 Weeks and 1 Day!!

Less than 2 weeks left to go! The Dr's have said that they will be taking Nicholas out no later than 39 weeks! Maybe even as early as 38. I'm so ready. I'm plagued by a million feelings though. Nervousness- a given. But more than that all of a sudden I am wondering if I really want and am ready for this. Of course I WANT him, but I'm terrified at the new responsibility and realization that my life is indeed changed. I can't go spur of the moment to LA to hit Disneyland for the day, or decide at 10 pm that I want to go to the nearest PT's and play pool while drowning a few lemon drops. There's going to be a little person that is going to take up all my thoughts and time. Of course then I start wondering if I'm too selfish to be a parent? All I can think about is what I'm giving up....what about what I'm getting in return? As I've said, I have a myriad of emotions that are creeping up these last couple weeks and I am starting to doubt myself. Hopefully it's just stage fright and it'll pass once the curtains rise (legs spread).
I am really looking forward to getting some semblance of life back. Like the ability to get off my bed in a dignified way, and stand up like I'm not about to drop something. Oh and not to mention all the other small things: less heartburn, sleeping on my back and stomach, breathing..... Pregnancy is seriously no joke. I miss my ankles. I look down and just think "Meg Griffin" and shudder. I spent a good amount of time starving myself on HCG, enduring injections daily, and feeling exhausted just to lose 70 pounds, and I feel like I've gotten all of it back. I'm ravenous constantly and Lord knows, I never want a freakin salad. I want hot dogs, and fried foods and ice cream. And more ice cream. And sometimes just a pint of ice cream. I've tried to be good. I really have but I can't win all my internal battles, so this past weekend my brother asked if we lived in a snack bar since dinner for two nights were hot dogs, french fries and nachos. I'm ashamed that I just wrote that!
Oh well! 1 week 6 days left!!! (hopefully......)

34 Weeks (or close to 35....)

I'm getting so close I can taste it. At this point I don't care how he gets out, I'm just ready for him to make his exit out of me/entrance into the world. I feel grumpy, hungry, irritable, and I'm in constant pain. I'm so done being pregnant. Between Nicholas keeping his head on my pubic bone for the last 3 weeks and my interstitial cystitis killing me I feel like someone has jammed a hunting knife in my girly parts. Then of course all the great other aches and pains, back & legs. My tolerance level is waning.
 I can't really remember much right now, which is crazy. I realized yesterday that I haven't paid a few bills since March. That was a not so fun stressor. On top of that my husband has gotten weirdly protective and possessive, which are two things that he is not. He's usually Mr. Passive Aggressive, but lately he's been like a pit bull ready to tear at anyone who upsets me. I'm usually one to fight my own battles, but I think that pregnancy makes me a whiny bitch. I hope that both aspects of each individual personality fade after our son gets here. I miss my laid back husband, and I miss being able to have confrontations without crying. That's more than likely the cause of all his testosterone-fused anger lately. I cry. At everything. For example my mother and I get into heated battles all the time. It's been happening since I was a teenager. She blames hormones, I blame bitchiness, and eventually it cools off.  Now he feels like he has to bat for me, which I appreciate because she is not the easiest of people to get along with all the time. I finally asked him if he hated her or disliked her due to how angry he was getting. His response "No I don't hate her. She frustrates the hell out of me. She's a nice lady, has good values. Hell, most of the time I really respect the fuck out of her. But she's making you cry, and I don't like it." And so the mother in law/son in law battle has finally hit. Which neither really care that it's stressing me out. When I'm not pregnant they have a great relationship, joke around, hang out. But now it feels like war. I'm hoping this goes away once Nicholas arrives, but realistically I think it's just going to get worse. Oh well, as Phil said the other night "At least I had 5 years of peace with your mom before it fell apart". Hurts me though since they are both such huge parts of my life.
The other news is that I have a giant baby growing. He's already almost 6 pounds with a little over 5 weeks left to go. The dr told me at my last appointment if he gets to 9 pounds I better think about how I want him to come cause he'll be coming out early. Come on kid, gain the lousy 3 pounds already!

6 Weeks left to go.....or 5 not really sure at this point......

32 Weeks!

Time is flying by. I'm getting so excited that I can't sleep at night...oh who am I kidding, between the frequent peeing, hip aches and Phil's snoring, sleep has been allusive anyway. This morning was very sweet though. He woke up to snuggle and held me and the belly, Nicholas started moving around to get closer to his hand and he asked if we could call out sick and do this all day. I really wanted to say yes, but I kicked his giant butt out of bed, took up my position in the center and caught a few more minutes before he left for work.

This last weekend was my 2nd and final baby shower. This time in California with my family. It was smaller than my one up here but a lot more fun. My mom and Aunt did an amazing job with getting everything put together. My grandma's house was in full baby boy mode. There were a few stressors, like the cake saying "Welcome Baby Nichlos" but we got them fixed. I got to see family that I haven't seen in forever, and had an overall great time. I was feeling huge and tired the whole time, but it was worth it.

Last Week at my 31 week appointment the Dr. said I was measuring at 32 weeks, I'm hoping that means the baby will come a week earlier. He said that he can come as early as 7 weeks (6 now!) so I'm being hopeful. Not to mention negotiating quite frequently with my little man for him to stay in until my mom gets back from Hawaii but not too long after that. We shall see though. Now that my showers are over with I have to get his room organized and all of his gear put away. He has more clothes than either Phil and I combined!

We also went on the tour of the hospital. The transformer bed, as Phil called it, was a bit terrifying, but otherwise all looked inviting. We have our childbirth class on June 16th, so that should be fun. We are now in triple digits weather wise so it's almost time for me to move into my pool ;). As I said at the beginning of my post, time is flying. But I'm grateful, can't wait for our little man to arrive <3.

7 Weeks (Maybe even 6!) to gooooooooooo!

29 Weeks, 6 Days...

So after tomorrow I'll be 30 weeks....10 weeks before my due date and my little guy makes his debut. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't freaked out. Every day I imagine how the whole labor thing will play out. I understand that women have been doing this for thousands of years and it's what my body is made for, however I've never done this and when my pregnancy app on my phone is telling me that he'll be comparable to the size of a watermelon on delivery, well my special spot gets very nervous. I mean come on, as I've never had anything that size near it ever (despite the fact that I'm married to a giant he is in no way close to being the size of a freaking watermelon) it's a terrifying and daunting thing to think about. Plus, I really don't like the fact that people will be seeing everything I have all laid out. I can barely see what I'm doing to shave and clean it all up, I'm sure it'll be a jungle by the time the baby is born. Sorry I should have prefaced this post with a giant "TMI will be given!" but I'm already writing and I don't feel like moving the cursor back to warn the people that are probably puking in their mouths right now. Anywho so that is my constant thought and fear.
I had to stop taking the sleeping pills. As it turned out they were making my anxiety worse. So much so that I started falling into depression. The Dr wanted to put me on anti-depressants, to which I read up on and realized that it made me way too nervous imagining exposing my unborn child to anything more. I stopped taking the sleeping pills, which weren't really helping anyway, and within two days felt (somewhat) normal. Now I just feel tired and crappy all the time, but I'm not crying over everything and refusing to get off the couch. Yesterday I woke up at 4 am, by the time I was supposed to be getting ready for work I had an upset stomach, dizzy spells and a migraine coming on. I didn't end up going in, which bugs me because I end up sitting in my recliner all day staring off into space because I can't, you guessed it, sleep. My previous post about feeling like Christina Bale is still holding true.
Nicholas is moving constantly, so I know he's feeling pretty good. Phil has been playing with him by poking him until he moves in retaliation. It's fun for them, but killing my bladder. I know he's getting anxious to meet our little one. We all are. But we're almost there, just gotta stay patient just a little more!
10 weeks to go!!

28 Weeks! Yabba Dabba Doooooooo

Here I am at the third trimester and man are things starting to heat up - literally. My feet are almost a full size bigger than normal, I've developed cankles, my back is killing me, and Oi! The temperature is inching closer to the dreaded 100's. My anxiety and insomnia are also worse than normal. I'm starting to feel like Christian Bale in The Machinist. My doctor has prescribed me sleeping pills, but unfortunately they only knock me out for about an hour or two and then the anxiety attacks start. I feel like most days I'm walking around in a dream. The only comfort I really feel is when the baby is active and kicking, then I feel even though I'm losing my damn mind he's still where he needs to be. Ahhhhh pregnancy!

But enough "Wah wah wah!!" This past weekend was my baby shower. My mom went above and beyond on everything from decorations to food. My friends are amazing and spoiled me so much, I actually got tired just opening my gifts! Now the excitement and nervousness are really kicking in. He has clothes and diapers and bibs and binkies! Bath tubs and walkers and gyms and blankies! That felt like a Dr. Seuss moment. It was wonderful and hectic. Chaotic and sweet. My mom really is so awesome. Now to figure out where to put all of his newly acquired clothes and baby things. 

So in a nutshell, I think I'm close or in what they call the home stretch! I just need to relax and sleep a little bit before my little man arrives and away my opportunity for shut eye ;).

12 Weeks to Gooooooooooooo!

26 Weeks and 3 days!

One thing that I've lightly touched on, but never really talked about is what a miracle this whole pregnancy has been. At around 20 or 21 I was diagnosed with PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The only thing I really understood about it was this was why I had strange periods, and how I managed to grow more hair on my face than my 15 year old brother. I was sent to different specialists, all asking if I was trying to have a baby. At that age I was single and not even remotely interested in being a mom. That was something for the future. For the next several years I didn't think much about the condition other than the implications that I might not have kids. Since I figured I'd be perpetually alone, I dealt with it.

When I met Phil I decided to look into how bad my pcos actually was. I went to a fertility doctor who ran a myriad of tests on me. In the end he told me I had 2 years of active eggs left. My PCOS caused me not to ovulate and the eggs I was ovulating were getting killed by endometriosis. I was informed that I would not be able to get pregnant on my own, and that my body was going to be going into an early menopause.....not the news I was expecting. I was only 27 and menopause was something women in their late 40's got. The Dr recommended egg harvesting, with my husband's (boyfriend of 6 months) sperm. My insurance denied the request, and I figured they had their reasons and I wasn't about to fight it since I was single and just barely dating someone who may or may not be the one.

Finally after Phil and I were married and had been trying for a year I decided to try the whole fertility thing again. That was when I found out I was pregnant the first time, December 2010, but sadly I lost the pregnancy after about 5 days. I followed the doctors advice to the letter in order to try again. No intercourse for 6 weeks and birth control for 3 full cycles. By May we were ready because it had taken almost 2 months for the pregnancy to completely leave my system. I stayed on birth control longer because I was doing Fiddler on the Roof and didn't want to get pregnant during the run. After the show ended, my insurance did too so the $75 for birth control was not shelled out. I figured I had gotten pregnant by chance last time and if it was meant to happen then it would on it's own. Happily on November 3, 2011 I took a test and got the beautiful PREGNANT.

So here I am, 6 and a half months along, I feel my son kick all the time and I've been assured countless times that he sounds amazing and perfect. It still seems so crazy that I've had this perfectly unremarkable pregnancy. We all expected if it ever happened there would be complications, bed rest....all kinds of nightmares. I'm so happy that there hasn't been.

14 Weeks to go!

25 Weeks!

It's been a minute since I last blogged. To be honest I've been so exhausted and busy that I just haven't thought about it. Today is a free day since I stayed home after experiencing some frustration for my glucose test. I hate needles. Needles and spiders are two of my biggest fears, then the odd ones like giant statues, animatronics, and the Sphinx. The nurse stuck me once, and got no blood. Tried my other arm and still got nothing. As it turns out I'm a little too dehydrated for fun pokey tests. Combine that with my mounting anxiety lately with the extreme fatigue and I fell apart. So today I opted to stay home, lie down, and focus on some Terra time. Which I have no idea what to do with.

There has been oodles of new experiences. Nicholas kicks, punches, and moves all the time. His nursery has been painted and furniture has been bought. I found out I had complete placenta previa but that has corrected itself and now baby boy is coming out the old fashioned way....gulp! My feet swell up all the time and I've realized I cannot rock cankles. They just aren't me. I also started selling Scentsy to try and make a few extra bucks in order to subsidize our income. Leaving the bank and finding new jobs created tons of relief and great feelings but came with a cost of lower pay and unpaid maternity/paternity leave. But Phil and I are both significantly happier and satisfied with our new jobs, and my stress level is low enough that I've had a completely unexciting pregnancy. The baby is normal size, weight, everything! Which is the biggest blessing I could ask for. So I trudge along and am thankful for my mom who's been helping out so much.

The only thing I really need at this point is a vacation. I'm so tired and overwhelmed that I feel if I could just get like 2 or 3 days at the beach I would come back refreshed and happy.

Only 15 Weeks left!

19 Weeks!

So yea, I skipped 17 & 18 but in my defense I get no sleep and everyday seems to just mold together so it took a minute to realize I've missed the last 3 weeks. There's been some awesome new developments. The biggest? It's a BOY!!! The dr was right at 13 weeks and so Nicholas Aaron Feist he will be dubbed. Our new ultrasounds also showed us his little features. According to my mom he has my nose, eyes, and chin. Poor Phil, at least the baby will get Daddy's height- hopefully! I've also started to feel kicking. Some days small flutters, other days small kicks. I love it and grin like an idiot every time. Phil has started talking to the baby more. He wanted to tell Nicholas all about Bass Pro Shop and camping. I'm lobbying for a fifth wheel. I do not participate in squatting or tents. But I'm thrilled that he's talking even if he feel silly.

The other wonderful thing? Boob pain! OMG! I thought they hurt at the beginning. Now I just want them to fall off and go away. I have no idea what they will feel like when I'm going to nurse, but I'm scared! And sleeping. I'm a back and stomach sleeper, however apparently that's not good for mommy or baby. So I rely on my pregnancy pillow and side sleeping. The excruciating hip pain I wake up to in the middle of the night is epic. So now I can add pain onto my list of frequent urinating and just good ole insomnia.

Recently I asked the question: How is this baby 50% Phil's? I threw up for 3 months, I'm getting fat, emotional, can't sleep right, have leaking breasts, have him growing inside me and eventually will have him bruising my insides and then will be delivering him into this world. All Phil did was have the same fun he has most nights anyway and just happened to have the lucky sperm this time. Where is this even??

Anyway, we're almost halfway through! I'm so excited to feel more kicks, I'm sure that will get old fast. July seems so far away but I'm working on being patient....we'll see how long that lasts. Now it's time to start baby shower planning. My mom is planning 2- one in vegas and one in la. Should be fun!

Till next time! :)

16 Weeks...*cough, sneeze, wheeze*

4 months! Holy cow how did that happen? 5 months left? I'm almost halfway through. It's insane. I'm excited for the baby to start kicking. So far every so often I'll feel a gurgling in my stomach. Like popcorn popping or gas with wings. I think that's the baby- otherwise my digestive track is really wonky from this pregnancy. I learned something new this week. I have no immune system. I always thought that pregnant women were super healthy because of the prenatals and all the good care they take care of themselves. Then I was schooled.

About 2 weeks ago I felt like I was at death's door. Just knocking away and all my dr would tell me was "take Robitussin, Afrin, and don't let your temp. get above 100 or 101". After a week at home in bed I finally started feeling like a human being again. Phil, who had also been feeling crappy bounced back a little faster and together we moved on past our illness and got ready to celebrate of 2 year wedding anniversary. I had initially planned on going to the happiest place on earth, but with my patience level with people lately having waned I was hesitant. Then my mom took care of my dilemma by getting us tickets to see Phantom at the Venetian. My third time, Phil's first, and we were in the center under the chandelier. It was awesome. But I digress.

Phil had gone out that beautiful Saturday with our friend Chris to go shoot some golf, and then shoot some guns. I was with my mom doing some shopping, and a little vomiting in the parking lot of Lowe's. That night when he got home his nose was running like a faucet and he was sneezing like crazy. I got impatient because I figured it was his stupid allergies from being outside and then being around that gunpowder. Later that night, as I sat next to him watching his face swell up and his sneezing and running nose turning into coughs and cold sweats I began coughing. "It's just the fog machine, I'm not sick again" I chanted over and over again. That night we went home, both feeling pretty crappy but happy to be in bed. The next morning I woke up with a scratchy throat, stuffed nose and a headache. "Just sinuses", I kept chanting, "It'll clear up". I went to my mom's took a pill, and went off on our day. As we were walking through Target it hit. Just like a punch in the stomach. My legs started shaking, I got dizzy, I wanted my bed. After much deliberation I went home. By the time I got home I was crying, my body hurt so bad. That night I had a fever reaching 101.7. It became unavoidable. I was sick.

The next day I went to my m.d. who informed both Phil and I that we had Sinusitis and Bronchitis, and have been apparently passing it back and forth. We were prescribed a plethora of drugs (Phil got stronger ones that I did naturally), were advised to stay home a few days and get some movies. Phil and I both wanted to go to work as we need to save for our maternity and paternity leave.

The next morning he loaded up on Sudafed and Dayquil and we both went to work. I came home 15 minutes later. And here I am 3 days later, with a sore throat, a constant cough that makes me vomit most of the time, headache, and some major cabin fever, while my husband who got stronger antibiotics, is feeling amazing. I am frustrated I can't work, and getting stressed because I can't save any money or start shopping for fun baby things. I did however get the fetal doppler in the mail so I'm able to hear the little heartbeat every night. Makes me feel so much better since I've also been worried about being sick, getting dehydrated and taking all these meds being harmful to our little one. But the heartbeat is strong. Last night 142, and tonight 151. Hopefully by Week 17 I'll finally be feeling 1000 times better.

Till then

TTFN!!

The Art of....Gas?

So this is one of those gross posts. One where I need to get something off my chest, quite literally. I've heard about pregnant women and gas, but come on- we're women. We don't discuss the actual details of our bodily functions. Men prance around (yes, prance) and let one rip after dinner as a "compliment to the chef" whether it's take out or home cooked. They belch just to get us women to have a reaction. Sometimes they do it just to clear the room or get a good laugh. My wonderful husband isn't too bad and usually won't let it rip in front of company, which I appreciate. In bed, well it's kind of anyone's game.

But I digress. I've always been one of those women who likes to pretend that I don't have gas or anything else officious that expels, but in recent weeks, I have shamefully become disgusting with the noises coming out.

Last night I'm snuggling with Phil on the couch. Just relaxing, when all of a sudden this intense pressure in my stomach begins to rumble. I tried to ignore it. Pretend it wasn't happening when the pain began. Having no choice, I pushed. It was small, barely even noticeable. But OMG! Even my eyes were watering. What the hell did I eat???? I asked myself. Before I could answer that question my chest started feeling tight. Opening my mouth and a belch that would impress any die hard football fan came out. Embarrassed I hid my face in Phil's chest, "OMG! I'm so sorry!!" I cried, all the while thinking, This is the moment he leaves me. Instead of running or being disgusted he kissed the top of my head, chuckled a bit and wrapped the blanket more securely around me to trap any further offensive smells from leaking through.

As it stands I walk around feeling gassy all the time. I take a drink of water, then burp. Or run to the bathroom and pee. Tomorrow is 15 weeks! I can't wait to see what's in store for me now.

Daddy Issues

So today is 14 weeks! I'm so excited we're officially in the 2nd trimester. I can breathe a bit easier. Phil and I are still thinking about baby names. Nothing sounds right. I guess when it's the right one it'll jump out. I hope. The other thing that's been weighing on my mind is my bio-dad. There's so much going on in my life that the tiptoeing around that subject is becoming exhausting. I honestly can't say I love him. Not anymore. I thought for the longest time that he could change, but he doesn't. He's like the top salesman of a used car dealership. Makes you believe that the clunker in the corner is a brand new BMW fully loaded. Then you get home, realize that the car isn't worth half of what you paid and can't be returned. That sums up everything about him. False promises, false beliefs, false false false. I'd like to say there's redeeming qualities, but I honestly think he's a sociopath with severe narcissistic personality. I'm not a psychologist tho. Maybe he's just scum. The last time I had spoken with him I could tell he was spiraling again down the rabbit hole. I warned him if he continued then he wasn't invited back into my life, or that of any child(ren) I might have. He laughed and said "Of course I will be". Click. Duh Terra! Everyone just gives him chances, over and over and over again. Why? Why is there so much faith? Why does my grandmother make excuses for him? Why does the family dote on him? What is it about this person that has everyone fawn over him? He abused my mother, abused drugs, alcohol, the law. He can't hold a job, or live on his own. At 20 years old I could, why couldn't he? I asked myself these questions until I realized I needed to walk away. I was an enabler. I enabled him to get away with all of this.

Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, my mother called him to let him know and we could hear the drugs and booze over the phone. She never got to tell him the news because he hung up on her. A few days later I miscarried. My grandma knew, I'm sure she passed on the information. And the final test was put forth. And in a not very surprising move, he never called. Never called to ask how I was, or tell me he loved me. Does he know love? Is there a part of him that's a able to love? And can I love him anymore? Every question had the same answer. No.

It was enough for me to ignore him. I started ignoring his posts on Facebook. He would send me messages, "I'm thinking of moving to Las Vegas, thought?" his secret code of "Please I feel insignificant! Cater to me! Pander to me!! Love me so I can spurn you!!" I deleted him. I continued talking to my grandma. She stopped trying to play mediator. She finally realized that the damage was irreparable. Now I'm pregnant again, and he's on my mind. Not because I miss him or love him or even want him around. I realized that I don't want him in my child's life. I don't want them to have a part time grandfather, someone who pretends to care and disappears, whether back to prison or rehab, or just one of his many white trash girlfriends arms. So, if I won't do that to my child, why would I do that to me? Unfortunately though, every girl wants their daddy's love.My step father is amazing and in 10 years has meant more to me than my bio-dad of 32. But it still causes small daddy issues to come about. They manifest in the weirdest places. I constantly fear Phil will leave me, that eventually I'm not going to be enough to keep him around. Or that I'm not meant to be happy with him and God will take him away from me.

All of these fears due to an insignificant person who has no idea the damage he's reaped. And if he did know, would feel no remorse.

I didn't write this as a poor me. This is my online journal of sorts to help me remember my pregnancy and the things I forget I felt. Each emotion, each experience is new. Sometimes exciting, and sometimes sad. But these feelings will help me after the baby is born and I finally realize that parents are human too.

13 Weeks!

I'm not really sure how this week managed to fly by so quickly. I had planned on keeping this as a journal that I write in every day to remind me of my pregnancy psychosis. There are so many things that I never knew about. Pregnancy brain for one. My brother keeps repeating the same joke over and over and I keep laughing because I'm hearing it for the first time, every time. He says I'm worse than a stoner. Phil keeps asking me questions and I just can't for the life of me remember the answers. I also manage to say things like "Put the milk on the top shelf in the dryer", or "Baby? Can you throw my work pants in the dishwasher please?". I'm not sure if this is induced from being pregnant or the fact that I sleep in 45 minute increments every night because I keep getting up to use the restroom. The peeing thing is partially because of baby and partly due to painful bladder syndrome, more on that at another time.

The other new experience is food cravings and food aversions. Well, not so much cravings but I have aversions. Chicken, mainly, and anything green and leafy. Yep, those big beautiful salads I love taste like regurgitated ass. My idea of what regurgitated ass tastes like anyway.

Other big changes, well my boobs are still giant. But this week brought some nice relief from morning sickness. It's amazing to not feel like vomiting at the thought of breathing. I'm also now able to drink water without gagging. That was fun.

Yesterday we had our follow up dr appt. Phil hadn't had a chance to actually see the baby or hear the heartbeat yet, so he took the day off to go with me. The baby was there sleeping peacefully. We got to hear the heartbeat, 135 bpm. I looked over to Phil to see if he was tearing up like I had. Nope just grinning, and looking pretty dazed actually. We were getting the down syndrome testing done. The baby was being uncooperative so the Dr kept bouncing my stomach to wake the baby up. I kept wondering if this was going to hurt my child but I figured, "He's the Dr". The baby finally moved enough so that we were able to get the measurements. Everything looked normal. So that step of testing was done and they did the good ole finger poke (my finger still hurts 24 hours later). We also got to get some photo time. "Q" as we're calling the baby until we know sex and a name was pretty pissed off about getting woken up and refused to sit still for pictures. The little hand kept waving around the little face. Well, little except for the nose. Q has daddy's nose I can feel it! The Dr also let us know he was 98% sure of the sex. I'm not ready to disclose that information until after the next scan in 5 weeks. That way I know 100%.

So that is everything I can remember from this week. Or today. I'll try to be better about getting all this down.

12 Weeks!

So I'm starting this blog three months into my pregnancy because truth be told, I didn't want to jinx myself by starting it super early. My mother in law gave me the idea to write a blog on the real side of pregnancy. the funny comedic and outright disgusting side that no one really tells you about until you're like "WTF?!?!". (note: yes there will be disgusting TMI details that you don't want to know about. If you are a man, squeamish, or have some aversion to the grossness- don't read any further. There will be discharge, vomiting, and anything else new I experience put into these posts as they occur.)

After my miscarriage last winter I was extremely eager to try again, while being incredibly cautious and nervous about the potential loss I might experience if I miscarried a second time. The previous pregnancy helped me get control over certain facets of my life. I hated my job, I missed theatre, and I wanted a direction. I was tired of standing still. So, I did the logical thing: I quit my job, auditioned for a show, and started moving forward. Then almost right after the show ended and I found a new job...BANG! BFP! (Big Fat Positive) Holy crap!! It was so scary. There wasn't a bad UTI causing pain, there was no spotting- only sore breasts, the occasional nausea and some serious fatigue. My husband, Phil was grinning, I was in shock. So much so that I took 3 tests before accepting the truth. Of course then I started googling everything there was on multiple false positives (yes I am neurotic, but I was scared). I started convincing myself it was a tumor, there was no way that I was pregnant. It barely happened once in my 31 years, how was this possible? And was I going to lose it again.

Phil had also gotten a new job so while we were waiting on his insurance to kick in for a few days I was making myself nuts with thoughts and fears about all the problems that would be found. Getting ready for my first appointment my stomach was in knots. "What if there wasn't a heartbeat? Or it was just an empty sac? What if I'm not really pregnant and have cervical cancer." The truth was I wanted to have a baby so bad that I could not let myself believe I was so that I would not be let down. My mom and I waited in the waiting room forever before they took me back. Weight checked, blood pressure was super low. The tech asked me if I was nervous and told me to relax so she could try again. Second try was much better. Finally it was time to go into the room. The dr came in did an abdominal ultrasound and got a weird look on his face asking me if I had normal cycles. Shit, I thought, the baby didn't make it. I could see the little body on the screen (Google is great at having tons of pictures of ultrasounds so you know what you're looking at). I was fighting the urge to cry when I heard him mutter that he saw a heartbeat, but doesn't think I'm as far as I thought I was. A heartbeat???? OMG really??? I changed to get ready for the wonderfully assaulting transvaginal ultrasound thinking "There's a heartbeat. There's really a living thing with a live heartbeat". During the ultrasound the dr pressed the button and let me hear the little heart pounding away. Staring at the screen in awe I felt the tears sliding down my face. I wished my husband didn't have to work so he could hear the little thundering with me. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard, and it finally clicked that I was really and truly pregnant. The doctor told me I was 8 weeks to the date and everything looked perfect. Holy crap! I'm having a baby.

That was 4 weeks ago. My mom has been excitedly telling everyone that she's gonna be a grandma, Phil has been rather quiet I think until he hears the heartbeat and sees it himself the reality will be harder to grasp. I have been vomiting, learning the magic of panty liners and trying to figure out what color discharge is normal and which is concerning (fyi I'm learning that it's all pretty much normal, just super freakin gross). Next week we go in for our next appointment where I will find out if everything looks normal on the baby or defects. I'm praying everything is normal, but the truth is I'm constantly asking "What if".

Only 6 and a half more months to go!!