Daddy Issues

So today is 14 weeks! I'm so excited we're officially in the 2nd trimester. I can breathe a bit easier. Phil and I are still thinking about baby names. Nothing sounds right. I guess when it's the right one it'll jump out. I hope. The other thing that's been weighing on my mind is my bio-dad. There's so much going on in my life that the tiptoeing around that subject is becoming exhausting. I honestly can't say I love him. Not anymore. I thought for the longest time that he could change, but he doesn't. He's like the top salesman of a used car dealership. Makes you believe that the clunker in the corner is a brand new BMW fully loaded. Then you get home, realize that the car isn't worth half of what you paid and can't be returned. That sums up everything about him. False promises, false beliefs, false false false. I'd like to say there's redeeming qualities, but I honestly think he's a sociopath with severe narcissistic personality. I'm not a psychologist tho. Maybe he's just scum. The last time I had spoken with him I could tell he was spiraling again down the rabbit hole. I warned him if he continued then he wasn't invited back into my life, or that of any child(ren) I might have. He laughed and said "Of course I will be". Click. Duh Terra! Everyone just gives him chances, over and over and over again. Why? Why is there so much faith? Why does my grandmother make excuses for him? Why does the family dote on him? What is it about this person that has everyone fawn over him? He abused my mother, abused drugs, alcohol, the law. He can't hold a job, or live on his own. At 20 years old I could, why couldn't he? I asked myself these questions until I realized I needed to walk away. I was an enabler. I enabled him to get away with all of this.

Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, my mother called him to let him know and we could hear the drugs and booze over the phone. She never got to tell him the news because he hung up on her. A few days later I miscarried. My grandma knew, I'm sure she passed on the information. And the final test was put forth. And in a not very surprising move, he never called. Never called to ask how I was, or tell me he loved me. Does he know love? Is there a part of him that's a able to love? And can I love him anymore? Every question had the same answer. No.

It was enough for me to ignore him. I started ignoring his posts on Facebook. He would send me messages, "I'm thinking of moving to Las Vegas, thought?" his secret code of "Please I feel insignificant! Cater to me! Pander to me!! Love me so I can spurn you!!" I deleted him. I continued talking to my grandma. She stopped trying to play mediator. She finally realized that the damage was irreparable. Now I'm pregnant again, and he's on my mind. Not because I miss him or love him or even want him around. I realized that I don't want him in my child's life. I don't want them to have a part time grandfather, someone who pretends to care and disappears, whether back to prison or rehab, or just one of his many white trash girlfriends arms. So, if I won't do that to my child, why would I do that to me? Unfortunately though, every girl wants their daddy's love.My step father is amazing and in 10 years has meant more to me than my bio-dad of 32. But it still causes small daddy issues to come about. They manifest in the weirdest places. I constantly fear Phil will leave me, that eventually I'm not going to be enough to keep him around. Or that I'm not meant to be happy with him and God will take him away from me.

All of these fears due to an insignificant person who has no idea the damage he's reaped. And if he did know, would feel no remorse.

I didn't write this as a poor me. This is my online journal of sorts to help me remember my pregnancy and the things I forget I felt. Each emotion, each experience is new. Sometimes exciting, and sometimes sad. But these feelings will help me after the baby is born and I finally realize that parents are human too.