12 Weeks!

So I'm starting this blog three months into my pregnancy because truth be told, I didn't want to jinx myself by starting it super early. My mother in law gave me the idea to write a blog on the real side of pregnancy. the funny comedic and outright disgusting side that no one really tells you about until you're like "WTF?!?!". (note: yes there will be disgusting TMI details that you don't want to know about. If you are a man, squeamish, or have some aversion to the grossness- don't read any further. There will be discharge, vomiting, and anything else new I experience put into these posts as they occur.)

After my miscarriage last winter I was extremely eager to try again, while being incredibly cautious and nervous about the potential loss I might experience if I miscarried a second time. The previous pregnancy helped me get control over certain facets of my life. I hated my job, I missed theatre, and I wanted a direction. I was tired of standing still. So, I did the logical thing: I quit my job, auditioned for a show, and started moving forward. Then almost right after the show ended and I found a new job...BANG! BFP! (Big Fat Positive) Holy crap!! It was so scary. There wasn't a bad UTI causing pain, there was no spotting- only sore breasts, the occasional nausea and some serious fatigue. My husband, Phil was grinning, I was in shock. So much so that I took 3 tests before accepting the truth. Of course then I started googling everything there was on multiple false positives (yes I am neurotic, but I was scared). I started convincing myself it was a tumor, there was no way that I was pregnant. It barely happened once in my 31 years, how was this possible? And was I going to lose it again.

Phil had also gotten a new job so while we were waiting on his insurance to kick in for a few days I was making myself nuts with thoughts and fears about all the problems that would be found. Getting ready for my first appointment my stomach was in knots. "What if there wasn't a heartbeat? Or it was just an empty sac? What if I'm not really pregnant and have cervical cancer." The truth was I wanted to have a baby so bad that I could not let myself believe I was so that I would not be let down. My mom and I waited in the waiting room forever before they took me back. Weight checked, blood pressure was super low. The tech asked me if I was nervous and told me to relax so she could try again. Second try was much better. Finally it was time to go into the room. The dr came in did an abdominal ultrasound and got a weird look on his face asking me if I had normal cycles. Shit, I thought, the baby didn't make it. I could see the little body on the screen (Google is great at having tons of pictures of ultrasounds so you know what you're looking at). I was fighting the urge to cry when I heard him mutter that he saw a heartbeat, but doesn't think I'm as far as I thought I was. A heartbeat???? OMG really??? I changed to get ready for the wonderfully assaulting transvaginal ultrasound thinking "There's a heartbeat. There's really a living thing with a live heartbeat". During the ultrasound the dr pressed the button and let me hear the little heart pounding away. Staring at the screen in awe I felt the tears sliding down my face. I wished my husband didn't have to work so he could hear the little thundering with me. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard, and it finally clicked that I was really and truly pregnant. The doctor told me I was 8 weeks to the date and everything looked perfect. Holy crap! I'm having a baby.

That was 4 weeks ago. My mom has been excitedly telling everyone that she's gonna be a grandma, Phil has been rather quiet I think until he hears the heartbeat and sees it himself the reality will be harder to grasp. I have been vomiting, learning the magic of panty liners and trying to figure out what color discharge is normal and which is concerning (fyi I'm learning that it's all pretty much normal, just super freakin gross). Next week we go in for our next appointment where I will find out if everything looks normal on the baby or defects. I'm praying everything is normal, but the truth is I'm constantly asking "What if".

Only 6 and a half more months to go!!