28 Weeks! Yabba Dabba Doooooooo

Here I am at the third trimester and man are things starting to heat up - literally. My feet are almost a full size bigger than normal, I've developed cankles, my back is killing me, and Oi! The temperature is inching closer to the dreaded 100's. My anxiety and insomnia are also worse than normal. I'm starting to feel like Christian Bale in The Machinist. My doctor has prescribed me sleeping pills, but unfortunately they only knock me out for about an hour or two and then the anxiety attacks start. I feel like most days I'm walking around in a dream. The only comfort I really feel is when the baby is active and kicking, then I feel even though I'm losing my damn mind he's still where he needs to be. Ahhhhh pregnancy!

But enough "Wah wah wah!!" This past weekend was my baby shower. My mom went above and beyond on everything from decorations to food. My friends are amazing and spoiled me so much, I actually got tired just opening my gifts! Now the excitement and nervousness are really kicking in. He has clothes and diapers and bibs and binkies! Bath tubs and walkers and gyms and blankies! That felt like a Dr. Seuss moment. It was wonderful and hectic. Chaotic and sweet. My mom really is so awesome. Now to figure out where to put all of his newly acquired clothes and baby things. 

So in a nutshell, I think I'm close or in what they call the home stretch! I just need to relax and sleep a little bit before my little man arrives and away my opportunity for shut eye ;).

12 Weeks to Gooooooooooooo!

26 Weeks and 3 days!

One thing that I've lightly touched on, but never really talked about is what a miracle this whole pregnancy has been. At around 20 or 21 I was diagnosed with PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The only thing I really understood about it was this was why I had strange periods, and how I managed to grow more hair on my face than my 15 year old brother. I was sent to different specialists, all asking if I was trying to have a baby. At that age I was single and not even remotely interested in being a mom. That was something for the future. For the next several years I didn't think much about the condition other than the implications that I might not have kids. Since I figured I'd be perpetually alone, I dealt with it.

When I met Phil I decided to look into how bad my pcos actually was. I went to a fertility doctor who ran a myriad of tests on me. In the end he told me I had 2 years of active eggs left. My PCOS caused me not to ovulate and the eggs I was ovulating were getting killed by endometriosis. I was informed that I would not be able to get pregnant on my own, and that my body was going to be going into an early menopause.....not the news I was expecting. I was only 27 and menopause was something women in their late 40's got. The Dr recommended egg harvesting, with my husband's (boyfriend of 6 months) sperm. My insurance denied the request, and I figured they had their reasons and I wasn't about to fight it since I was single and just barely dating someone who may or may not be the one.

Finally after Phil and I were married and had been trying for a year I decided to try the whole fertility thing again. That was when I found out I was pregnant the first time, December 2010, but sadly I lost the pregnancy after about 5 days. I followed the doctors advice to the letter in order to try again. No intercourse for 6 weeks and birth control for 3 full cycles. By May we were ready because it had taken almost 2 months for the pregnancy to completely leave my system. I stayed on birth control longer because I was doing Fiddler on the Roof and didn't want to get pregnant during the run. After the show ended, my insurance did too so the $75 for birth control was not shelled out. I figured I had gotten pregnant by chance last time and if it was meant to happen then it would on it's own. Happily on November 3, 2011 I took a test and got the beautiful PREGNANT.

So here I am, 6 and a half months along, I feel my son kick all the time and I've been assured countless times that he sounds amazing and perfect. It still seems so crazy that I've had this perfectly unremarkable pregnancy. We all expected if it ever happened there would be complications, bed rest....all kinds of nightmares. I'm so happy that there hasn't been.

14 Weeks to go!

25 Weeks!

It's been a minute since I last blogged. To be honest I've been so exhausted and busy that I just haven't thought about it. Today is a free day since I stayed home after experiencing some frustration for my glucose test. I hate needles. Needles and spiders are two of my biggest fears, then the odd ones like giant statues, animatronics, and the Sphinx. The nurse stuck me once, and got no blood. Tried my other arm and still got nothing. As it turns out I'm a little too dehydrated for fun pokey tests. Combine that with my mounting anxiety lately with the extreme fatigue and I fell apart. So today I opted to stay home, lie down, and focus on some Terra time. Which I have no idea what to do with.

There has been oodles of new experiences. Nicholas kicks, punches, and moves all the time. His nursery has been painted and furniture has been bought. I found out I had complete placenta previa but that has corrected itself and now baby boy is coming out the old fashioned way....gulp! My feet swell up all the time and I've realized I cannot rock cankles. They just aren't me. I also started selling Scentsy to try and make a few extra bucks in order to subsidize our income. Leaving the bank and finding new jobs created tons of relief and great feelings but came with a cost of lower pay and unpaid maternity/paternity leave. But Phil and I are both significantly happier and satisfied with our new jobs, and my stress level is low enough that I've had a completely unexciting pregnancy. The baby is normal size, weight, everything! Which is the biggest blessing I could ask for. So I trudge along and am thankful for my mom who's been helping out so much.

The only thing I really need at this point is a vacation. I'm so tired and overwhelmed that I feel if I could just get like 2 or 3 days at the beach I would come back refreshed and happy.

Only 15 Weeks left!

19 Weeks!

So yea, I skipped 17 & 18 but in my defense I get no sleep and everyday seems to just mold together so it took a minute to realize I've missed the last 3 weeks. There's been some awesome new developments. The biggest? It's a BOY!!! The dr was right at 13 weeks and so Nicholas Aaron Feist he will be dubbed. Our new ultrasounds also showed us his little features. According to my mom he has my nose, eyes, and chin. Poor Phil, at least the baby will get Daddy's height- hopefully! I've also started to feel kicking. Some days small flutters, other days small kicks. I love it and grin like an idiot every time. Phil has started talking to the baby more. He wanted to tell Nicholas all about Bass Pro Shop and camping. I'm lobbying for a fifth wheel. I do not participate in squatting or tents. But I'm thrilled that he's talking even if he feel silly.

The other wonderful thing? Boob pain! OMG! I thought they hurt at the beginning. Now I just want them to fall off and go away. I have no idea what they will feel like when I'm going to nurse, but I'm scared! And sleeping. I'm a back and stomach sleeper, however apparently that's not good for mommy or baby. So I rely on my pregnancy pillow and side sleeping. The excruciating hip pain I wake up to in the middle of the night is epic. So now I can add pain onto my list of frequent urinating and just good ole insomnia.

Recently I asked the question: How is this baby 50% Phil's? I threw up for 3 months, I'm getting fat, emotional, can't sleep right, have leaking breasts, have him growing inside me and eventually will have him bruising my insides and then will be delivering him into this world. All Phil did was have the same fun he has most nights anyway and just happened to have the lucky sperm this time. Where is this even??

Anyway, we're almost halfway through! I'm so excited to feel more kicks, I'm sure that will get old fast. July seems so far away but I'm working on being patient....we'll see how long that lasts. Now it's time to start baby shower planning. My mom is planning 2- one in vegas and one in la. Should be fun!

Till next time! :)

16 Weeks...*cough, sneeze, wheeze*

4 months! Holy cow how did that happen? 5 months left? I'm almost halfway through. It's insane. I'm excited for the baby to start kicking. So far every so often I'll feel a gurgling in my stomach. Like popcorn popping or gas with wings. I think that's the baby- otherwise my digestive track is really wonky from this pregnancy. I learned something new this week. I have no immune system. I always thought that pregnant women were super healthy because of the prenatals and all the good care they take care of themselves. Then I was schooled.

About 2 weeks ago I felt like I was at death's door. Just knocking away and all my dr would tell me was "take Robitussin, Afrin, and don't let your temp. get above 100 or 101". After a week at home in bed I finally started feeling like a human being again. Phil, who had also been feeling crappy bounced back a little faster and together we moved on past our illness and got ready to celebrate of 2 year wedding anniversary. I had initially planned on going to the happiest place on earth, but with my patience level with people lately having waned I was hesitant. Then my mom took care of my dilemma by getting us tickets to see Phantom at the Venetian. My third time, Phil's first, and we were in the center under the chandelier. It was awesome. But I digress.

Phil had gone out that beautiful Saturday with our friend Chris to go shoot some golf, and then shoot some guns. I was with my mom doing some shopping, and a little vomiting in the parking lot of Lowe's. That night when he got home his nose was running like a faucet and he was sneezing like crazy. I got impatient because I figured it was his stupid allergies from being outside and then being around that gunpowder. Later that night, as I sat next to him watching his face swell up and his sneezing and running nose turning into coughs and cold sweats I began coughing. "It's just the fog machine, I'm not sick again" I chanted over and over again. That night we went home, both feeling pretty crappy but happy to be in bed. The next morning I woke up with a scratchy throat, stuffed nose and a headache. "Just sinuses", I kept chanting, "It'll clear up". I went to my mom's took a pill, and went off on our day. As we were walking through Target it hit. Just like a punch in the stomach. My legs started shaking, I got dizzy, I wanted my bed. After much deliberation I went home. By the time I got home I was crying, my body hurt so bad. That night I had a fever reaching 101.7. It became unavoidable. I was sick.

The next day I went to my m.d. who informed both Phil and I that we had Sinusitis and Bronchitis, and have been apparently passing it back and forth. We were prescribed a plethora of drugs (Phil got stronger ones that I did naturally), were advised to stay home a few days and get some movies. Phil and I both wanted to go to work as we need to save for our maternity and paternity leave.

The next morning he loaded up on Sudafed and Dayquil and we both went to work. I came home 15 minutes later. And here I am 3 days later, with a sore throat, a constant cough that makes me vomit most of the time, headache, and some major cabin fever, while my husband who got stronger antibiotics, is feeling amazing. I am frustrated I can't work, and getting stressed because I can't save any money or start shopping for fun baby things. I did however get the fetal doppler in the mail so I'm able to hear the little heartbeat every night. Makes me feel so much better since I've also been worried about being sick, getting dehydrated and taking all these meds being harmful to our little one. But the heartbeat is strong. Last night 142, and tonight 151. Hopefully by Week 17 I'll finally be feeling 1000 times better.

Till then

TTFN!!

The Art of....Gas?

So this is one of those gross posts. One where I need to get something off my chest, quite literally. I've heard about pregnant women and gas, but come on- we're women. We don't discuss the actual details of our bodily functions. Men prance around (yes, prance) and let one rip after dinner as a "compliment to the chef" whether it's take out or home cooked. They belch just to get us women to have a reaction. Sometimes they do it just to clear the room or get a good laugh. My wonderful husband isn't too bad and usually won't let it rip in front of company, which I appreciate. In bed, well it's kind of anyone's game.

But I digress. I've always been one of those women who likes to pretend that I don't have gas or anything else officious that expels, but in recent weeks, I have shamefully become disgusting with the noises coming out.

Last night I'm snuggling with Phil on the couch. Just relaxing, when all of a sudden this intense pressure in my stomach begins to rumble. I tried to ignore it. Pretend it wasn't happening when the pain began. Having no choice, I pushed. It was small, barely even noticeable. But OMG! Even my eyes were watering. What the hell did I eat???? I asked myself. Before I could answer that question my chest started feeling tight. Opening my mouth and a belch that would impress any die hard football fan came out. Embarrassed I hid my face in Phil's chest, "OMG! I'm so sorry!!" I cried, all the while thinking, This is the moment he leaves me. Instead of running or being disgusted he kissed the top of my head, chuckled a bit and wrapped the blanket more securely around me to trap any further offensive smells from leaking through.

As it stands I walk around feeling gassy all the time. I take a drink of water, then burp. Or run to the bathroom and pee. Tomorrow is 15 weeks! I can't wait to see what's in store for me now.

Daddy Issues

So today is 14 weeks! I'm so excited we're officially in the 2nd trimester. I can breathe a bit easier. Phil and I are still thinking about baby names. Nothing sounds right. I guess when it's the right one it'll jump out. I hope. The other thing that's been weighing on my mind is my bio-dad. There's so much going on in my life that the tiptoeing around that subject is becoming exhausting. I honestly can't say I love him. Not anymore. I thought for the longest time that he could change, but he doesn't. He's like the top salesman of a used car dealership. Makes you believe that the clunker in the corner is a brand new BMW fully loaded. Then you get home, realize that the car isn't worth half of what you paid and can't be returned. That sums up everything about him. False promises, false beliefs, false false false. I'd like to say there's redeeming qualities, but I honestly think he's a sociopath with severe narcissistic personality. I'm not a psychologist tho. Maybe he's just scum. The last time I had spoken with him I could tell he was spiraling again down the rabbit hole. I warned him if he continued then he wasn't invited back into my life, or that of any child(ren) I might have. He laughed and said "Of course I will be". Click. Duh Terra! Everyone just gives him chances, over and over and over again. Why? Why is there so much faith? Why does my grandmother make excuses for him? Why does the family dote on him? What is it about this person that has everyone fawn over him? He abused my mother, abused drugs, alcohol, the law. He can't hold a job, or live on his own. At 20 years old I could, why couldn't he? I asked myself these questions until I realized I needed to walk away. I was an enabler. I enabled him to get away with all of this.

Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, my mother called him to let him know and we could hear the drugs and booze over the phone. She never got to tell him the news because he hung up on her. A few days later I miscarried. My grandma knew, I'm sure she passed on the information. And the final test was put forth. And in a not very surprising move, he never called. Never called to ask how I was, or tell me he loved me. Does he know love? Is there a part of him that's a able to love? And can I love him anymore? Every question had the same answer. No.

It was enough for me to ignore him. I started ignoring his posts on Facebook. He would send me messages, "I'm thinking of moving to Las Vegas, thought?" his secret code of "Please I feel insignificant! Cater to me! Pander to me!! Love me so I can spurn you!!" I deleted him. I continued talking to my grandma. She stopped trying to play mediator. She finally realized that the damage was irreparable. Now I'm pregnant again, and he's on my mind. Not because I miss him or love him or even want him around. I realized that I don't want him in my child's life. I don't want them to have a part time grandfather, someone who pretends to care and disappears, whether back to prison or rehab, or just one of his many white trash girlfriends arms. So, if I won't do that to my child, why would I do that to me? Unfortunately though, every girl wants their daddy's love.My step father is amazing and in 10 years has meant more to me than my bio-dad of 32. But it still causes small daddy issues to come about. They manifest in the weirdest places. I constantly fear Phil will leave me, that eventually I'm not going to be enough to keep him around. Or that I'm not meant to be happy with him and God will take him away from me.

All of these fears due to an insignificant person who has no idea the damage he's reaped. And if he did know, would feel no remorse.

I didn't write this as a poor me. This is my online journal of sorts to help me remember my pregnancy and the things I forget I felt. Each emotion, each experience is new. Sometimes exciting, and sometimes sad. But these feelings will help me after the baby is born and I finally realize that parents are human too.